Survivor stories campaign #WomensRights #endvawg

1.  Why have you chosen to participate in this campaign? 

Because although my experiences took place over 35 years ago, the memories of what happened to me still linger. I want to show that even though you can never forget your darkest experiences, you can pick up the pieces of your life and move on.  

2.  What would you like to gain from this interview? 

To feel that I have helped others come to terms with what has happened to them; and gain some confidence and knowledge to help them forge a better life ahead of them. 

3.  How has your life been impacted by experiences of abuse? 

I was psychologically abused during my first marriage. I was married to a narcissist, who, having originally been attracted to my outgoing personality and “spark”, nearly destroyed my confidence and self-esteem through constantly undermining me, telling me I had never done anything worthwhile in my life. He also tried to estrange me from my friends and family. 

He had discovered he had psychic gifts which he was trained to use and develop. However, he also developed what I can only describe as a messianic complex, so he no longer spoke to me, but preached to me as he had God on his side. 

Fortunately, I was strong enough to resist these constant assaults on my psychological well-being although I felt practically brainwashed after he left me for another woman. I was able to rebuild my life successfully, but I have never forgotten the impact he had on my life, how I felt at the time and how I stared into the abyss as a result.  

4.  What support is available to you? Ie. Local DA organisations, work, friends? 

I had an amazing family who were able to support me after the marriage broke up. Also, I had a fantastic network of friends who knew something was not right, but who never gave up on me and helped me through the worst of times.

5.  Do you know of any other women in your network who have endured non-intimate partner, or partner abuse?  

I know of one or two in the past but not at present. 

6.  Why do you think women refrain from speaking up about their experiences? 

Fear. That is fear of not being believed and fear of repercussions from their abusive partner. When you are abused, you feel vulnerable and abusers prey on these weaknesses.  

7.  Do you feel safe socialising with your friends in bars, local sports centres, at work, etc ? 

Absolutely. I am in my 60's now and have met and married my soulmate.  

8.  What changes do you think the Government or local authorities should implement in order  

for women and young girls to feel safer out on the street? 

We definitely need more police officers on patrol again, and although they may be seen to be intrusive, cameras in towns and cities have proved to be the most effective way of filming and identifying attackers and abusers.  

9.  Since the pandemic, there has been a huge increase in the reported number of cases of DA,  

as well as trying to survive through covid-19. Millions of people are struggling with their mental and physical well-being.  What activities do you enjoy doing which you find calming and/or fun? 

I was fortunate enough to be working throughout the pandemic and worked from home. Activities I enjoy include reading, writing, and talking to my friends on Zoom or WhatsApp. Going for long walks was also very calming.  

10.  If you could give a female friend one piece of advice, what would it be?

If a relationship feels wrong, get out.  Don’t compromise yourself to fit in with someone else’s expectations. If he has to change you to fit in with his ideals, just break off the relationship because once he starts, it will continue and get worse.

IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS EXPERIENCING ANY FORMS OF ABUSE, reach out to  One Voice My Choice CIC via the new online chat facility, run Monday to Friday 10am – 5pm. 

Alternatively, get in contact with https://www.refuge.org.uk/our-work/forms-of-violence-and-abuse/domestic-violence/domestic-violence-the-facts/.   In an emergency dial 999