Survivor stories campaign

 1. Why have you chosen to participate in this campaign? 

One of the biggest reasons for participating is that this is the first time I have reached out to become a part of any awareness campaigns. I left an abusive relationship in 2018 and it has taken until this year to reach out. I feel that I can start a healing process by sharing my own personal story of fleeing abuse. As a mum we obviously want to concentrate on the wellbeing of our kids, whilst not forgetting ourselves. This campaign will finally allow me to start my own healing process. In my personal life, I don’t have anyone who knows what I have been through – I sadly don’t feel that I can trust anyone to share info with. Another reason is to try and get as knowledgeable to do what Donna is doing with her small business. I too would like to help other survivors to come forward to share their stories.  So many women will be able to relate to other survivors in the same shoes, and from reading these stories, will hopefully be able to turn their experiences into something positive. I feel as a society, we need to eradicate victim-blaming culture, something we are still dealing with daily.  If more women come forward after seeing this campaign, then that can only be a good thing. 

2. What would you like to gain from this interview? 

I have to admit, doing this interview has given me confidence and assurance that you can share your story too. You are not the problem, it is the perpetrator and multi-disciplinary organisations, for example the police, that are the problem. Survivors should have the freedom to disclose their experiences without bias or discrimination. I hope my story resonates with other women and gives them courage to speak up. 

3. How has your life been impacted by experiences of abuse?    

There has been a massive impact – there are two sides to every coin. The experiences of abuse that I endured have negatively impacted my life. Everything I do, every decision, choice, where I go etc. is risk assessed. I never feel 100% safe with anyone or wherever I go. How many other women feel this way?  

I am hypervigilant every day, mainly in case I see the perp or anyone his network etc. I choose not to have any accounts on social media to keep myself and kids safe. I can go down the road and see someone I’ve never seen before, but they will taunt me as they know the perp. I have no confidence in the police.  

There is such a huge impact on kids – I don’t feel that I was supported enough when I reached out for help and was not taken seriously.  I know what the perp is capable of, I can see the perp for who he was, but other people don’t see that or choose not to see it.  Domestic abuse impacts kids mentally – it is another vicious cycle to break. 

I ran away to the police as I was not safe anywhere. I couldn’t trust family, they sided with perpetrator. My own family saw me as the perp as the real perp charmed them and people in my network.  When I was fleeing abuse, I went to four refuges, but the perp found out where I was every time, so I was kicked out four times, as I was told that I was putting other women in danger. IDVA put my story forward to a MARAC panel –  I had to retrace steps into a situation where you think you would be safe, but actually wasn’t.  Abuse doesn't have a face and neither does mental health. There's always two sides of the same coin. 

In areas that I have experienced living in, reality is, if you come from a nice area, there are better budgets in affluent areas, there is more chance of being housed. External services are limited. I was failed by the police many times. This story is to reach out to women who are or have fallen through the cracks. Women are worried to call the police as it heightens the abuse – both from the perp and police.   

In 2013 I reunited with the perp after spending 10 months in my very first refuge - which was my very first attempt of trying to leave him, and my children were a lot younger then. It was horrendous, it was just so hard, and I did go back to him. But I went back with terms and conditions, how stupid of me, I honestly thought that when he told me he was going to change, that everything was going to be different, that he wasn’t going to stop me from doing things, that he wanted the best for me etc. I believed him. One of the conditions of me going back though was that I wanted to get educated, to be more than a wife and a mum – to be able to go to work and have that normal structure that he had, and so I suggested going back into education. It was ok for a couple of months but as you can imagine, he made it really difficult for me to attend the night course.  He would be home from work late, and so I would miss sessions. He would say that he had had a bad day and so he couldn’t look after the kids or I would get childminders, but he wouldn’t pick them up from the childminders, or pay them. He made it so difficult for me.  

I decided to reach out to my lecturer and said that I was having problems at home and was it ok if I didn’t attend any of the evening classes? I asked the lecturer if I had to be present at the evening classes, or could I just be given all of the work that I could do from home at best as I could? But I am so severely dyslexic and so completely technically behind things – like, literally ten or fifteen years behind – I only got my first new iPhone this year, of which I am learning to use. Previous phones were either broken, second-hand or not mine. So, I was allowed to access the LS Support Groups during school times – whilst my kids were at school and the perpetrator was at work. It meant that I was able to access the work for a couple of hours every day without him knowing. Throughout the entirety of my relationship, the perpetrator would not allow me to have any phones or laptops. 

 
In 2020 I became homeless for 10 months. My three kids went to family members, whilst I lived at Hillingdon Train Station.  Eventually, I went back to an area where I started a new social network, fled to a family area – went back to work colleagues etc.  During my toxic relationship, I was never allowed to drive or go to work. At present, I am not sure how to use a laptop.   

Three and a half years later, since 2018,  without any Distinctions or Merit – because everything was handed in late, I was able to Pass with a HNC in Public Services in 2015! I was still with the perp until 2018.  Since 2018 until late 2021, my life has been filled with survival, homelessness, refuges, emergency accommodation, so the last thing you are worried about is education, because it is something that you can always come back to.   

This year I did qualify as a phlebotomist. I have also been doing some voluntarily work regarding rehabilitation and homelessness and I am looking towards writing my own educational programme and my own book! I would like to be able to help as many people as I possibly can – people that have been in the same situation that I have been in and hopefully be that one person that I could have done with, needed, in my absolute hour of desperation. I just want to be someone that we all need, when we need help. 

4. What support is available to you? Ie. Local DA organisations, work, friends? 

There is a little bit of change now since putting myself out there a little bit more. I am a resilient survivor, so I have developed a bit more confidence to share my story. You can do anything! After MARAC found permanent accommodation for me, I did a thing I was never going to do - I reached out to social services. What did social services have to offer?  A Pathway to Healing course at Hillington Women’s Centre in London. This course helped me so much. It was a massive step to set up LinkedIn account and to open myself up – I feel vulnerable, but it is 100% helping me to connect with other people, see their successes and struggles. Real people, real stories. It has opened up a whole new world - learning from other people – after all, knowledge is power. It is so inspirational to read other people’s posts, people who have struggled with addiction etc. It empowers you to be a part of a real community, something I don’t feel other platforms can offer me.    

Our experiences are minimized, the situation is not regarded as volatile, there’s no priority for women's safety.  We have come a long way as a society as women, but we are still at a disadvantage. Women in this country at the hands of abuse every day, women from different backgrounds, ethnicities etc, women who are immigrants. When police are called to a domestic abuse incident – if you’re a black woman or an immigrant, in my opinion, the police don’t ask you what is the problem – instead, they say, 'do you have the right to reside in the UK’?  Black and immigrant women are subjected to even more abuse, marginalized and discriminated against, with no rights to public funds. What if they have no support network, no family? Victims end up staying with perp or get deported. 

5. Do you know of any other women in your network who have endured non-intimate partner,  

or partner abuse?  

I know of some women, but actually, in fact, when I came forward to speak about experiences as a survivor, not a victim, I believe that as a survivor you don’t need no one, you come forward by yourself. Don't class yourself as a victim – this will block in your progression to move on.  I have almost forgiven the perp as I feel this allows you to move on, and equally your children – therefore, allowing you to be the best version of yourself. I am sad that my sister has also endured abuse, of which has brought us closer together.   

6. Why do you think women refrain from speaking up about their experiences? 

I believe there are around 270 refuges across the UK and over 1000 animal sanctuaries. That is the price the government has put on women’s safety. I can only speak from my experience, but I was always disbelieved. When you are in this abusive situation and you’ve got to a point where you cannot do it anymore, you are filled with so many emotions – fear being one of them. But so many people naïvely think that when you leave, it is all over. It is more dangerous to leave then stay with perp, and this fear factor is associated with leaving.  How many women have heard this question, ‘Why doesn’t she just leave?”.  

In the past, I was run over twice in the street by the perp. On the second occasion I was hurt badly – there was a witness at scene of the crime. A member of the public who witnessed the crime asked the driver (the perp), why he drove into me, and the perp said, ‘that’s my wife, I can do what I want’. The witness said, maybe in your own home you can, but not in a public place and I’ve just witnessed what you did. The police were called, and as in many incidents of abuse, the perp manipulated the police officers, playing the victim and portraying me as the criminal, telling them that I was his wife and I was mentally unstable. Needless to say, the police didn’t take a witness statement and came to the conclusion that I was mentally unstable, because that’s what the perp said. How many survivors of abuse have been wrongfully judged when the perp chooses the play the mental health card?  I don’t have mental health, I have a reaction to my trauma and environment.  

7. Do you feel safe socialising with your friends in bars, local sports centres, at work, etc? 

No. I am hypervigilant all the time, continually risk assessing everything and everyone. I see the worst in people other than their good qualities as its self-preservation. Part of your progression is to embrace who you are and be proud of it.  Don’t let anyone brainwash you. Perps have a way of conditioning you, making you believe their false narratives about you and/or people in your network - this is called 'gaslighting'. 

I have become constantly aware of my surroundings and people. I don’t go anywhere without a bouncy ball – I fidget with that as it helps with anxiety. It helps to ease the anxiety – to stop a panic attack.  

8. What changes do you think the Government or local authorities should implement in order for  women and young girls to feel safer out on the street? 

I like the ‘Ask Angela’ campaign that has been implemented in bars and clubs across the UK.  If you feel unsafe in a bar whilst out with friends, or on your own, you can approach a member of staff  and ask for ‘Angela’. A member of staff will help get you back to a safe place by calling you a taxi or a family member. We are living in a social media type world, everyone on phones, and this allows the opportunity to keep in touch with people in your network. 

https://www.areyouok.co.uk/im-a-professional/campaign-materials/ask-for-angela/ 

Credit: areyouok.co.uk 

I personally would like to see female PCSO’s who have been victims of abuse, to be given the opportunity to have a presence within the community to help support anyone affected by toxic behaviors.  This initiative would allow members of the public an opportunity to talk to someone who is trained as a DA service provider - as an outreach worker, providing support and advice, especially for the younger generation.  

Some parents might suggest their child goes into a shop if they feel scared or threatened when out and about. I can remember one occasion when one of my children did this and the shop owner refused to support my child by allowing them to use their phone to call me. I think we need to educate this generation as I don’t think many teenagers have any trust in the police, social services, neighbours etc. There are no youth clubs that I know of, and I think this can lead to a ‘if you can’t beat them join them narrative’.  We need to break this cycle for this generation and the next. 

9. Since the pandemic, there has been a huge increase in the reported number of cases of DA, as  well as trying to survive through covid-19. Millions of people are struggling with their mental and physical well-being.  What activities do you enjoy doing which you find calming and/or fun? 

I think one of the biggest things I like doing is going for walks with my kids, a walk to peaceful areas, like woodlands and lakes. We also enjoy playing board games.  I am currently working on a new project – I am writing an educational programme for Hillingdon High School. A programme that will allow me to speak about traumas without speaking about trauma. To educate the youth of today. In the future, I hope to get this up and running and perhaps one day become a speaker. 

10. If you could give a female friend one piece of advice, what would it be? 

I think for me, if I can give anyone any advice, any situation, circumstances, always be true to yourself and listen to your gut. Talk, because we have the right to. Don’t worry about other’s people's perception of you. If you fear to share because you are worried about others, you won't move on, encourage people's success not failures. We don’t need your judgement, help us heal. 

IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS EXPERIENCING ANY FORMS OF ABUSE, reach out to  One Voice My Choice CIC via the new online chat facility, run Monday to Friday 10am – 5pm. 

Alternatively, get in contact with https://www.refuge.org.uk/our-work/forms-of-violence-and-abuse/domestic-violence/domestic-violence-the-facts/.   In an emergency dial 999.