international Women's Day 2023 #iwd23 #endvawg

  * TRIGGER WARNING *

This real-life survivor story contains references on sexual abuse, violence, mental health.

QUESTIONS:

1. Why have you chosen to participate in this campaign?

I am a survivor of domestic abuse. I was able to get away following many years of violence and control. Initially I was able to seek help from a solicitor, the information about my situation was delivered with absolute damage control as I was terrified of speaking out, although I trusted my solicitor and believe she saved my life I could not open up fully, it would have not served purpose either as I was never going to prosecute, just enough to seek the help I needed but without reporting to the police to limit repercussion. After that period of my life, I locked away what happened to me to move on, however it caught up with me and eventually I had a breakdown (my IDSVA says it’s a breakthrough). I was diagnosed with complex PTSD. 

I had remained silent for so many years, I suffered as a consequence, therefore I felt very alone. I have a voice now after 3 years of counselling, I want to heal, move forward, help others, be an inspiration and not for this experience to be in vain. I want my voice to be heard and encourage that of other women to do the same. 

2. What would you like to gain from this interview?

For me, this is a continuation of healing, chipping away at this dark shadow that drags me down, hopefully replacing it with light and strength by taking positive, powerful steps. I have only recently found my voice through therapy; it took a long time for me to find and to be able to place blame where it lies. My counselling has recently come to an end. I have this voice now but no outlet. Knowing that sharing my story may help others, ultimately giving me a voice, whilst helping other women.

3. How has your life been impacted by experiences of abuse?

The biggest impact is the shame and guilt that I have held for many years. The sadness and guilt I have held for my children witnessing the violence, especially my daughter as she was 9 when I left and has memories, my son was 3 and fortunately has no lasting memory. The loss of a baby during this time; the tremendous anguish I feel to this day has never left me, instantly taking me back to the crippling pain and suffering I was faced with.  The devastation and disruption this caused to my family and friends, eventually being totally isolated. The constant fear, the loss of those years I can never get back. The damage physically, mentally and emotionally to me and to my children.

I have been out of this situation for nearly 20 years however the feeling of being alone has never left me. Many memories are fragmented, difficult to process and have left me trapped in a limbo within my mind. I have felt very isolated. I clean or keep busy to occupy my mind which is very exhausting, when its bad I will try to blot it out which I did successfully for many years.

It’s hard for me to find closure as he has never been held accountable for a single second of what he did.  I was in a relationship for years that was beyond description with, psychological, emotional, violent and torturous abuse that never seemed to have an end. I cannot count how many times my life was risked.  I was submerged in bath water over and over, water boarded, strangled, sometimes losing consciousness, thrown over a balcony floors up, severely bitten, punched, kicked, head butted, banged on walls, floors or hit with weapons, held up with knives to my throat or broken glass/ ripped beer cans that injured me, spat at with thick mucus from the back of his throat sometimes with food in his mouth,  socks stuffed in my mouth to muffle my cries, whilst he'd cover my airways with his hand, using his other to bend my arm up my back till it felt like it would break. (He would not stop this until I was silent, not a murmur not a whimper).

He would later want me to lay down with him, being kind as if nothing had happened whilst I am covered in bruises, sometimes bleeding, if I resisted his advances he'd often go into a violent rage again, scream I was frigid, hurt me and smash the place up, so I didn't resist. (I realise now this for what it is). 

He told me I was a joke, a laughingstock and nobody cares about me as well as every nasty name and insult you could think of; I absolutely believed him in the end I thought I was a joke a laughingstock and nobody cared, because in the end I was alone!  (I lost every friend and family member during this time he fully isolated me apart from one neighbour that kept trying to help).  Every tactic of absolute control kept me there, I would be locked in or handles taken off doors, the children taken with him or locked in with me (I lived in a maisonette above another maisonette; so no window escape) and what would I do any way, he'd made it clear he knew some not very nice people that he was involved with for one reason or another. My children and I were at risk if he was ever arrested, he told me he would turn it into a grass thing with the people he knew, not a domestic violence thing. 

The police were called around enough, and unless I pressed charges they weren't able to do anything obviously that was the last thing I was going to do. I was let down by every agency out there. We were safeguarded so many times, health visitors, social services had visited many times, I had the community safety unit in my house whilst he was in the bedroom listening. I had to be convincing in whatever I told them and unfortunately protected him to protect us. Unless he would get remanded and a long sentence he'd back again and angrier, they could not protect me.

He told me if he went to prison because of me, he would "pay smack heads to r*** my nan",  that I would be dead, he'd have me killed, he had already threatened my friends with knifes, turned up kicking and screaming at my relative’s door, beat my stepdad up. He told me he would kill me, and my daughter and I absolutely believed him, he had taken me off the road countless times with me and my children in the car, we've been spun facing the oncoming lorries on the motorway where he had taken the handbrake up as I was driving the car. He said he would pour petrol through my door (we had a few torturous jerry can moments). He hid crack pipes everywhere in my house, told me he would ensure my children would be removed from me, he would kill me and do a prison sentence and the kids would be dead or in care. In that time he had broken several of my bones, arm, nose, and most likely my ribs.  I think he fractured my skull (I bleed from my ear, had bruising around the back of my ears and under my eyes, the worst dizziness for months but I wasn’t able to seek medical help at that point.

If I tried to leave the flat if I could during an argument, he would follow me out of the house and the children would be on their own, I would have to walk back. If there was an argument/problem arising I'd try to go up to bed but he'd go into my daughter’s room and pull her duvet off her wake her, /sit her up and tell her what a c*** her mummy was for taking an argument upstairs. I had no choice but to face what was happening to protect my children. 

If he went out it was easier to let him back through the door than the door being smashed in (which it was on countless times) and him coming in angry, I tried to keep him calm.
I questioned my own sanity. The mental abuse on top of this left me confused, dazed and in a perpetual state of fight or flight.  When my son was born the violence took another level as I was even more vulnerable with a baby in my arms, he would beat me whilst I was holding this tiny new-born.... nothing stopped him. He taught my son to call me a slag age 2. He would hold my arms out straight and encourage my 2-year-old son to hit my arm with his wooden toys.  In my mind the police could not have saved us, he was a psychopath, I did what I needed to at the time to survive. I was able to get away when the right collaborative team/support/circumstances were around; to be honest it was a chance escape that started with just one good policeman, without him I would not have met the most amazing solicitor who went above and beyond to protect and empower me, I thank them for my life I have to this day. My son was 3 and my daughter 9 when I got away.

I never pressed charges to minimise risk and damage to us. I had made one statement in an absolute surreal and chaotic situation when he was arrested on an attempted murder charge against me when we were abroad. I appeared before a Spanish judge and retracted my statement; I was so petrified of what would happen to me.  I just wanted to get away and block this out for many years.  To this day I have self-esteem/confidence issues, I try to be rational about the way I feel and am very aware I’m not all the things I was told I was, but it is easy to feel this way after all that was drummed into me. I live with constant invasive memories and suffer with horrendous anxiety at points. Sometimes I am very consumed and have flash backs. I have (not too often fortunately) Vaso-vagal/neurocardiogenic syncope, this is when I blackout/lose consciousness because my body now overreacts to certain triggers, just random things my brain perceives as not nice, you don’t need to experience that.  I have no control over this, my heart rate and blood pressure drop until I become unconscious, sometimes with seizures and loss of bladder control. I have had several bad injuries from these blackouts over the years.

I have a professional successful career now. I threw everything into scooping up my children, turning our lives around, I even obtained a BSc (Hons) I was able to obtain a mortgage on a  house by myself. To most people this is not much but to me this is everything, I genuinely though my life was over at points, this I could only have dreamed of.  My older children are successful, my son has no lasting memory thankfully and is the nicest man I know.  I am so proud of my daughter she used every negative and made a positive, she has a degree in psychology, works with victims of trauma around the world and an absolute ambassador of women's rights...I worked so hard to turn my life around and hid my past, buried/suppressed what I could.

Unsurprisingly I had a breakdown years later, the lid finally popped off and I couldn’t cope anymore, an unrelated trauma I suppose triggered the breakdown. I fell to bits, I couldn’t work, function, look after my youngest children, I just cried day after day, everything caught up with me, all that I had tried to suppress by absolutely throwing myself into study, work, exercise or self-medicating. 

Not speaking up, not having a voice, not acknowledging what had happened was eventually going to bite me on the bum with a big reality check and I was literally back in the room with every piece of hurt, pain and emotion. I needed therapy, I was told I had complex PTSD following my first 12 weeks of talking therapy with mind, they organized for me to have EMDR and I was able to start processing what had happened to me, the physical emotional response to this was indescribable, the reality overwhelming. I finally got specialist support following the EMDR, I have slowly found my voice during this time. The almost 3-year counselling journey (which ended last week), the realization of what had happened to me, the need for closure, maybe justice. The need to move forward positively, the need for my voice to be heard and to help others.

4. What support is available to you? Ie. Local DA organisations, work, friends?

My specialist counsellor (although the cord has been severed; my counselling has come to an end recently), I can still contact her if I need too and I have an ISVA I have met a few times, they work together and can contact them if I decide to in the future. Women's Aid couldn’t support me as the DV I experienced was so long ago, Refuge have been supportive since I've linked with them recently, they've encouraged me to use the National Domestic Violence Helpline if I'm triggered for support or just to talk if I need to.   My biggest regret is the little awareness I had of Refuge at the time of the abuse and how much they could have helped me and my children seek a place of safety with their on going support during those years; maybe some of what my children and I experienced would never have happened, maybe I would have rightfully sought justice, giving me closure to some extent.  It was so hard initially to know how to get support and where to turn.  Fundamentally what is needed is general awareness of domestic violence, alleviation of the misconceptions and judgements surrounding DV, for the everyday person and professionals to know how to signpost women somewhere such as Refuge and the National Domestic Helpline. Without fear of exposure which could ultimately risk the victims until they have that safety net around them.  I’ve opened up to a few friends now with what I am comfortable to share. My partner and my older children to a degree, they are very supportive but it’s hard to talk to loved ones. 

5. Do you know of any other women in your network who have endured non-intimate partner, 

or partner abuse? 

Yes, several, this ranges from severe psychological and emotional abuse to violence, including sexual violence. Fortunately, these women are no longer in these abusive relationships.

6. Why do you think women refrain from speaking up about their experiences?

Shame, judgment, lack of support, trauma. The belief they are not worthy, the fear of not being believed, the fear of consequence/repercussion. 

7. Do you feel safe socialising with your friends in bars, local sports centres, at work, etc?

When socializing I stay with my friends or relatives, I enjoy being out, I am by nature very sociable. I feel uneasy on public transport and rarely travel this way I prefer my car. If I am walking alone or with someone especially at night, I am super hypervigilant especially if I am alone or in a taxi, I prefer to get a lift from family members. I am a very jumpy person especially in my own house. I am even startled over my own son entering the room and I know he is in the house, my body reacts before my logical mind kicks in. I am truly awful in a car as a passenger, I cannot bare not to be in control of the car.

The gym during the daytime with staff present is OK and classes are fine in the area that I live in. I do not like 24 hour gyms with limited staff.

As I am public facing at work and sometimes deal with hostile individuals. Many occasions I have felt totally unsafe at work and especially at night, I am generally jumpy at work at night anyhow, I also work in an acute area and we are faced at all times of day and night with highly charged and emotional situations, sometimes with volatile individuals. I have had a recent issue with a group of intimidating male family members, very hostile, aggressive and threatening situation that I had to get help for, these situations are triggering for me. This is not an isolated situation and I totally believe this treatment was because of my gender and the nature of my role. I have a panic button and security If I need it.

8. What changes do you think the Government or local authorities should implement in order for  women and young girls to feel safer out on the street?

More police patrols on foot, faster response times. Sentences that strongly reflect crime, consistency in police training, push for stronger laws. 

Better education and intervention in schools on consent and DV issues. 

Equality, more women in government, call out misogyny starting in the police and government. Harsher sentences for those who are there to protect us, who abuse their positions and commit crimes against women and girls. 

Government funding for more DV charities, organisations.

9. Since the pandemic, there has been a huge increase in the reported number of cases of DA, as  well as trying to survive through covid-19. Millions of people are struggling with their mental  and physical well-being. What activities do you enjoy doing which you find calming and/or  fun?

Kick boxing surprisingly was my first go to sport after I found my freedom, I could do something for myself a hobby, a sport. My brother-in-law is a coach there so I felt safe, not only do I love fitness, this gave me a network, a kick boxing family, a team, a release from all the stress in my body and a feeling of empowerment, I have been training on and off now for 19 years, although slowed down since my youngest two children were born.

After I had a break down the only way I gained any control over my anxiety was through meditation, totally new to me, I had tried this over the years without gaining anything from it, however during this period learning to relax my mind or trick my brain into calm by deep breathing during the meditation really helped when nothing else did. 

Yoga and mindfulness practices, I am open to anything that will make me calm, keep me fit and flexible, I always loved gymnastics so good to stretch again. I love a retreat whether it be a yoga or Buddhist retreat or spa which ooze calm, these stop me for cleaning or keeping myself distracted.  I must stop, I’m forced to stop, train my mind into calm and relax. 

I run whilst listening to music, this helps me rebalance my mind also.

I like to read and have fun spur of the moment adventures with my children.

10. If you could give a female friend one piece of advice, what would it be?

Reach out to someone you can trust, it’s too much to deal with things alone. Have a voice! Never give up!

IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS EXPERIENCING ANY FORMS OF ABUSE, reach out to  One Voice My Choice CIC via the new online chat facility, run Monday to Friday 10am – 5pm. 

Alternatively, get in contact with https://www.refuge.org.uk/our-work/forms-of-violence-and-abuse/domestic-violence/domestic-violence-the-facts/.   In an emergency dial 999